Tuesday, June 23, 2009


I have recently discovered that I have topophobia, the fear of certain situations. A bit vauge, I admit, but let me explain. At first I thought I had glossophobia, the fear of public speaking. However, I have no fear of talking in front of people, but I do get stage fright in certain situations. What are these certain situations? Well, I’m afraid of anything that includes performing on a piano. I know it sounds strange, but it's legite. I tried to find a cooler name for it like Beethoviphobia but I pretty much just made that up. Anyways, I realized the symptoms last Saturday at a Baptism. I got called last minute to play the closing hymn. I figured I would be okay because I’m usually pretty good at playing the piano, at least when no one is listening. So I started to play the hymn and the hymn book closed on me and I definitely messed it up and it just went down hill from there. A girl helped me keep the book open and I tried to keep playing but I was already behind and I just kept messing it up worse and worse. The entire program was a perfectly spiritual baptism, and I managed to end it on bad note. [Pun intended]. The most ironic part was the title of the hymn, “There is Sunshine in my Soul Today.” Not me. All I felt was physical distress, nausea, and feelings of panic. I finished the hymn in embarrassment and practically ran out of there after the closing prayer, before anyone could give me pity compliments. (You know what I’m talking about). It was possibly one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. When I got home I sat down at the piano to try to play the song again and I played it perfect. So I have to conclude that I have a fear of playing the piano in front of an audience. This was not my first experience like this and it won’t be my last. I can play many songs in the comfort of my own home, but in front of an audience I tense up. And when I say tense up, I mean my entire body starts shaking and I break out in cold sweat. It's not a pretty picture... or smell.

Moral of the Story: Don't complain to me about having a low self-esteem until you have had a couple dozen kids under the age of 12 laugh at you.

Friday, June 5, 2009


So I have started a new TV series.  Last summer was Gilmore Girils, which is still my absolute favorite show.  This summer is House, also an amazing show but for different reasons.  The best part of the show is Houseisms, and I hope someday to talk like House.  Give or take...

Top Ten Houseisms
"I'm the doctor who's trying to save your son.  You're the mom letting him die.  Clarification.  It's a beautiful thing."

"What are those?  Candy canes?  Are you mocking me?!"

"...there's no I in 'team'. There is a me, though, if you jumble it up." 

"Humanity is overrated." 

"That's a catchy diagnosis, you could dance to that." 

"There is not a thin line between love and hate. There is --- in fact --- a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every 20 feet between love and hate." 

"I know you can't talk, so I need you to look petrified if you consent."

"Do I get extra points if I act like I care?"

(To the mother of a crying baby) "Give her 20 milligrams of antihistamines. It could save her life. Cause if she doesn't shut up, I'll kill her."

"But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine! You can't have any! And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem... but who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me?"

Moral of the Story:  I respectfully decline to write a moral for this blog in the arguement that there are no morals in House.  How can you not love this show??

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Customer Service

So I started work this last week.  I am proud to announce that I am full-time sales associate at Payless Shoes.  During the last week, I have made a new realization.  People are slobs.  I don't understand how people can trash stores and not care.  I don't understand how people can let their kids run around like hellians.  I don't understand why people can treat sales associates like dirt.  So I have decided, when I become president, I am going to make a law that every person should work customer service sometime in their lives.  I like working at Payless and all but I have a new understanding for customer service...  It stinks. 

Moral of the Story - The customer is always right... when they're in the store.  Once they are out of that door, they lose all immunity.  News flash: the dart board with pictures of customers is real.  very, very real.