Beethoviphobia

I have recently discovered that I have topophobia, the fear of certain situations. A bit vauge, I admit, but let me explain. At first I thought I had glossophobia, the fear of public speaking. However, I have no fear of talking in front of people, but I do get stage fright in certain situations. What are these certain situations? Well, I’m afraid of anything that includes performing on a piano. I know it sounds strange, but it's legite. I tried to find a cooler name for it like Beethoviphobia but I pretty much just made that up. Anyways, I realized the symptoms last Saturday at a Baptism. I got called last minute to play the closing hymn. I figured I would be okay because I’m usually pretty good at playing the piano, at least when no one is listening. So I started to play the hymn and the hymn book closed on me and I definitely messed it up and it just went down hill from there. A girl helped me keep the book open and I tried to keep playing but I was already behind and I just kept messing it up worse and worse. The entire program was a perfectly spiritual baptism, and I managed to end it on bad note. [Pun intended]. The most ironic part was the title of the hymn, “There is Sunshine in my Soul Today.” Not me. All I felt was physical distress, nausea, and feelings of panic. I finished the hymn in embarrassment and practically ran out of there after the closing prayer, before anyone could give me pity compliments. (You know what I’m talking about). It was possibly one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. When I got home I sat down at the piano to try to play the song again and I played it perfect. So I have to conclude that I have a fear of playing the piano in front of an audience. This was not my first experience like this and it won’t be my last. I can play many songs in the comfort of my own home, but in front of an audience I tense up. And when I say tense up, I mean my entire body starts shaking and I break out in cold sweat. It's not a pretty picture... or smell.

Moral of the Story: Don't complain to me about having a low self-esteem until you have had a couple dozen kids under the age of 12 laugh at you.

Houseisms

So I have started a new TV series.  Last summer was Gilmore Girils, which is still my absolute favorite show.  This summer is House, also an amazing show but for different reasons.  The best part of the show is Houseisms, and I hope someday to talk like House.  Give or take...

Top Ten Houseisms

"I'm the doctor who's trying to save your son.  You're the mom letting him die.  Clarification.  It's a beautiful thing."

"What are those?  Candy canes?  Are you mocking me?!"

"...there's no I in 'team'. There is a me, though, if you jumble it up." 

"Humanity is overrated." 

"That's a catchy diagnosis, you could dance to that." 

"There is not a thin line between love and hate. There is --- in fact --- a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every 20 feet between love and hate." 

"I know you can't talk, so I need you to look petrified if you consent."

"Do I get extra points if I act like I care?"

(To the mother of a crying baby) "Give her 20 milligrams of antihistamines. It could save her life. Cause if she doesn't shut up, I'll kill her."

"But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine! You can't have any! And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem... but who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me?"

Moral of the Story:  I respectfully decline to write a moral for this blog in the arguement that there are no morals in House.  How can you not love this show??

Customer Service

So I started work this last week.  I am proud to announce that I am full-time sales associate at Payless Shoes.  During the last week, I have made a new realization.  People are slobs.  I don't understand how people can trash stores and not care.  I don't understand how people can let their kids run around like hellians.  I don't understand why people can treat sales associates like dirt.  So I have decided, when I become president, I am going to make a law that every person should work customer service sometime in their lives.  I like working at Payless and all but I have a new understanding for customer service...  It stinks. 

Moral of the Story - The customer is always right... when they're in the store.  Once they are out of that door, they lose all immunity.  News flash: the dart board with pictures of customers is real.  very, very real.

Princess

The other night I watched the new ABC Family Original Movie entitled "Princess."  I thought it had potential -  A modern fairy tale, ABC Family, and Sunshine from "Remember the Titans" all had it going for the movie.  However, I failed to notice the skunk in the background of the poster which foreshadows the overall presentation of the movie.  It stinks!  The movie is about a princess named Ithaca (i bet she had a hard childhood with a name like that) who can talk to animals and mythical creatures and heal them.  She is trying to find the chosen one she must pass down her crown to.  She only makes an appearance once a year to the outside world so that she can find the Searcher aka "Sunshine" who she thought would find her successor. However, Sunshine just thought she was pretty and played along in ignorance of who she really was and what she really wanted.  If that sounds confusing, it's because it is.  And it only gets worse from there.  You meet mermaids, fairies, giant squids, and bad actors from then on.  My personal favorite was the three headed dragon who was just misunderstood.  The most confusing part associated with the movie is that I liked it.  Even after all of the bad acting and insane plot line, I was left wanting more.  I found myself watching the movie again with my little sister and I'll probably watch it again when Kristi gets in town.  (shout out to Kris.  I can see you liking this movie just because of the mythical creatures.)  It makes no sense to me but I guess I just love cheesy.

Moral of the Story: Never judge a movie by its front cover but you can judge a movie by it's back cover.  Read the summary before buying the movie.  That would've been helpful years ago when choosing Fern Gully 2.

Obama is a baby . . .

So I spent seven hours yesterday in the sweltering heat just to hear Obama whine about not getting an honorary degree.  Due to security purposes for the ASU Graduation, we were required to be there four hours early to wait in the 100 degree weather.  But I wasn't bitter.  I had the opportunity to hear the President of the United States.  However, I did become bitter when he kept bringing up his lack of honorary doctorate.  Get over it, buddy!  Also, it felt more like a State of the Union address than a commencement.  Why do people have to cheer after every sentence?!  We get the point!  I kept thinking, "Great!  You all love Obama.  Now shut up!"  But I'm glad that I went so I could support Emily getting her Master's Degree in Education.  Go EM!!  Even if she didn't want to be there and read the entire time.  I found out later the book was "To Kill a Mockingbird."  Oh the irony!  It's little things like that that make me happy.

Moral of the Story:  Obama would rather get a honorary degree rather than be honored with helping students with scholarships to get to college.  Barack, your altruism amazes me!  It says a lot about your stand on education . . .  

Really?!? with Nori - SNL: Jury Duty

So I spent fifteen hours at jury duty in the last two days which brings me to the segment i like to call . . . Really?!? with Nori. So, I spent four hours on the light rail just to get to pheonix and back. But I met some delightful people while on it. In the very first hour on the light rail, I recieved two phone numbers from Sam and Jerry. Not to be confused with the cat and mouse rivalry nor the ice cream product. They were two creepy forty-year-old men who chose to hit on a twenty-year-old. i mean, really? Really?!? Then I get to Phoenix and got off the wrong stop. So I walked about five blocks to where I needed to be. During the walk a thirty-year-old man who was only wearing spandex decided to run up to me and tell me I had beautiful hair. i mean, really?! keep it to yourself buddy, the comment and the show of skin. no one wants to see that. then I went to the wrong building so another thirty-year-old man decided to help me find the right one, which just happened to be the really big one right next to it. really?! i know I am not the brightest crayon in the box, but I'm pretty sure I could've figured it out. I finally got in the right room and waited there for five hours. I read Twilight (that whole book can be an entire segment of really?!?), I watched Marley and Me (the dog dies, not so much a shocker), and looked around at strange looking people. I don't know how people can just leave their house looking the way they do. I am no fashion expert, but whoever thought a - Stones tube dress, brown polka dotted Elizabethan-esque shrug, shiny too tight leggings, hot pink halter top, and her lacy bra poking out of the top - was a good idea is seriously disturbed. i mean, really?!? When I finally got into the courtroom for the jury selection process, everyone decided it was a good time to tell the the judge not only about their kids but also all of their eight pets. No one cares! we don't want to know how you met your wife or who introduced you to her, they just want a yes or no answer if you're married. And i'm sorry that your car got stolen twenty years ago and they never caught the perp, but we don't want to listen to a fifteen minute venting session on it. Just yes or no people! And when they ask a question, listen! Don't ask the judge and attorneys to repeat it six times!! really?! it's not that difficult! So since everyone decided to tell their life stories, we were in there for four hours until closing time. So the judge told us all to come back the next day but only after he told us the origin of cinco de mayo. really?! why didn't you just use that ten minutes to pick the jury buddy! so i went back the next day with a book and headphones so that i could ignore all people. When I finally got there, the defendant took the plea bargan and we were all dismissed. really?! you couldn't have decided that months ago! but i guess then i wouldn't have got to learn about the lives of fifty strangers. i'm just glad that i wasted fifteen hours of my life on the judicial system.

Moral of the Story: “Parents, if your kid says Michael Phelps smokes pot, why can’t I? Say you can, as soon as you win 12 gold medals for your country.”

The Road to Eternal Marriage Has Never Been Longer

I had my first experience of a Singles Ward this last Sunday. I guess that's not entirely true. I have been going to a singles ward at BYU for the last two years but BYU wards are in an entirely different category. Anyway, I go into our stake's singles ward which starts at 3:00, which by the way is ridiculous. No church should start that late. So I get there about five minutes early and practically no one is there. Everyone still shows up late even when it starts at 3. So a few minutes after the meeting starts, this guy comes in and sits by me. We'll call him Joe, which may or may not be his real name. Joe starts chatting it up with me. He wanted me to talk to him, so in effort to not hurt his feelings, I told him I would but I lost my voice. To which he quickly replied, "That's fine. I can talk enough for the both of us." Oh joy! I just wanted to enjoy sacrament meeting without being hit on. Finally the meeting concluded, which just so happened to be on charity, and yet I felt the opposite of that to Joe. I tried to slip away as fast as possible but he was able to give me a little present before I left. This present was a slip of paper entitled, "Dating Survey." Questions included: 1. Male or Female? 2. What qualities, other than "looks," makes a good first impression? and 3. What do you consider a fun, inexpensive date? Joe asked if I would fill out the survey and return it to him with my phone number by the end of church. You have got to be kidding me?! I've heard stories like these about singles ward but I never assumed them to be actually true. Furthermore, it did not end there. He kept following me around to see which Sunday School class I was going to. I finally lost him in Marriage Prep, but I had to endure an hour amongst couples massaging each other. I hate people in love. I finally left after the second hour not being able to stand any more of it. I am starting to question whether I should go inactive this summer. . . Totally kidding! The church is true even in a singles ward. However, I have learned to sit by the wall and avoid boys named Joe.

Moral of the Story: Marrying a guy after knowing him for two weeks is the way to go if it gets you out of a singles ward that much sooner.